Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Manifestation~

Today I watched the Oprah show and there was a segment about cutters*. Oprah stated that she thought that children that have been abused, in some form manifest the pain in certain ways during their life...or this is what I understood her to say. Anyway...I just wondered, if one out of every 4 of us is abused as a child...In what way do you/I manifest our pain???

I have decided that I probably manifested the pain through over-eating.... I'll tell you why, this is my theory only.... for me.... I was constantly told by my abuser how much better I was than those he'd been with, he built me up and made me at that awkward age feel like a princess, when in reality I had no idea what he was really doing~setting me up for a life of lies. I later in my adulthood came to realize that I was eating and eating...no I wasnt hiding the pain and guilt. I was making myself UNDESIRABLE!!! ...the fatter I got the further away he stayed, pained he was to even look at me and if he did it was with disgust. And, you know what, I didnt care, I just wanted him away. Didnt realize that it was HIM that was fucked up, not me....and that I dont need to do that...but still I remain gutless in my attempt to lose weight. I think maybe that its still that protective padding that keeps me from letting anyone really in, really loving me......after all, he loved me......and he hurt me for LIFE!

1 comment:

Jazz said...