Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My Dash~

Im definitely glad that Becky linked me to this video. It is a really eloquent outlook on life and death.
I think about what my purpose is here on earth and if Im living up to my end of the bargain. Before the past year I would have said no, that I wasnt living up to my potential and that I still had a long way to go to gain some integrity. And that was just a shred of integrity. But over the past months, especially since Ive gone back to work and found out that Im worthy not only as a mother, wife and daughter/sister but as a person out in the public as well... I feel good. Ive gained confidence and independence. Ive learned to let go of the small stuff for the most part. I know there are those of you reading this that know my everyday bitches and gripes, but know that my life is much richer now than previously and for that Im sincerely thankful. And I apologize for not always sharing the good times, as I have the not so good.
Id have to say that if I passed away today, that Id have a room full of good and true friends, family and well wishers. I would also have to say that I have lived a good life, it may have came late, but at least it came. I finally know that Im a good mother, a good and genuine person and friend, a good wife and good family member. And with this Im happy and content. One last important thing.. I finally understand that I deserve love, dignity, integrity and respect and I deserve the benefits of this in the arms of my God. In ending, Im thinking that my dash is a good thing, perhaps highlighted by the love of my children and husband. And now when things get me down, I'll think of the dash and how Im representing myself through it. Thank you Becky!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Horse Manes and Sweet cars~

This is pretty easy for me... as I have always picked the horse to be if I could be an animal. The are beautiful, strong, gentle, paranoid, free, rich and admired. And I find most of these things in common with myself. I love horses.. the buckskin ones are my favorite. If I had to pick thats what Id be for sure. :)

If I had to be a car, again Id pick my favorite. A 1967 Shelby Mustang GT... in black! They are sleek, sexy, admired, fast, classic, strong. Mmmm I just love them.. and it so happens to be the year I was born. Another co-winky-dink??? I think so! ;)~

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Me and the Mirror~

Tonight I look in the mirror and as challenging as it is... I see me and Im tired of avoiding writing this blog, when it was my idea to begin with... Hang on ladies and gentlemen here it goes~

Im tired and way too old for my age. My body aches and I think I may be getting a few wrinkles...which scare the hell out of me. I have no grey hair..YAY, but who cares right??, I mean whatever is thrown at me I will handle. Now will I handle it with dignity and grace?? probably not, because in MY life I never have.

I look into the mirror and see my past, my present and my future.

I see the things I learned of myself in the past. Im a failure. Im guilty. Im unworthy. Im cute. Im irrisistable even to grown men. Im disgusting. Im a tease. Im lost. Im a slut. Im a friend who has no friends. Im a mom. Im a general mess.

I see the things that I am now. Im happy. Im content. Im forgiving of myself and moving away from my past. Im a wonderful mom. Im loved, really loved. Im strong. Im hating my body. Im loving my curves and hair. Im sure of my future. Im in love. Im finally living life as I should without fear of being a huge failure.

The things I see in the future. Im dignified. Im grandma. Im still happy and content. Im no longer afraid to die.

I look into the mirror and see someone who is wondering if maybe Im lying to myself and those around me. Why?... because I have friends* from my past that refuse to believe that I have actually made it this far and that I have clarity and contentment in my life now. It is then that I decide to say FUCK THEM, they are the ones who made me crazy to begin with...and I wonder why it is that they challenge me and my emotions. Was I really that fragile? Did I have so little integrity that it should be questioned and challenged even now, when I show outward happiness and true strength? Its those friends* that I thought were close to me that used, abused and made me feel as if I didnt mean shit to them or anyone else and by golly thats what I deserved. Sorry guys and girls Im way over that mind game bullshit. I finally have confidence. I dont have to compress the torturous past and let it seep out around me and draw me back into a cesspool of shit. I can finally let it go and know that deep down inside I am all the better for it... no matter how bad it was. And I know that they didnt help me get here, it was ME... that girl in the mirror over there... All ME!!!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Interview, Totally Fiction~

It was a usual Monday morning for me; alarm, shower, cappacino and pack my brief case and overnight bag for this weeks travels. I work as a consultant for the Food Network traveling often for weeks at a time. Today, Im thinking as I back up my laptop to take and keep notes, do I have everything? Im totally anal when it comes to having things just perfect and pride myself on doing it all on my own. You see I have this independence issue that Ive been struggling with since my teen years, after watching my mother cling to a bad life for fear of failing on her own. I always thought to myself, never would I let a man or anyone for that matter make me feel self-worthless. NEVER! Once I see that everything is perfect I head to the office for one last briefing before catching my noon flight to Chicago where I will be interviewing Rachel Ray for her new talk show. Im excited, as this will be the first time that I have gotten to actually spend time with Ms. Ray rather that watching her rush off in a fury of media attention. This consult is big to the Food Network as this is where she got her start, and well, I don’t want to dismiss this fact as my job might be in jeopardy if I don’t handle it in a very professional manner and get just the right interview.
After my short briefing at the office, I check in with my assistant Rob and go over the week itinerary. I love to flirt with Rob, he is a slender, dark American Indian, shy and innocent, always willing to help and damn near as anal as me. He is always eager to please, a quality I adore in men. He has been my assistant for about 5 years now, a single man who at times I thought may be gay, but would always show to a gathering with an equally shy and beautiful female. I didn’t give it much thought though as I was his superior and tried to keep my career and personal life separate. Although I will admit, there were times I’d gaze at Rob in a lustful fashion wondering if he ever looked upon me in the same light. Jerking myself back into the routine of things. Rob informed me that he was unable to get me an escort from O’Hare to the hotel and that he had taken the liberty and set up a rental from the local car rental agency. I reminded him that although I didn’t mind driving in the city, that I would need a spacious and comfortable car as my personal car, my baby, is a new Mercedes Benz. As a young girl life never afforded us a luxury car, so now was my time to spoil myself I thought.
The flight was smooth and on time. I had arrived at O’Hare as scheduled and summoned the consierge to take my bags to the Cadillac rental that was awaiting me at Gate 3. I was impressed with my assistant Robs selection and looked at myself in the rear view. I adjusted the hairs from my face and applied fresh lipgloss. My journey was about to begin…

I wound my way through the busy Chicago streets and intersections looking for the Bistro, where my interview was set up by Ms. Ray. The weather this time of year is so beautiful, cool breeze, high 70’s. The leaves were about to change. This was my favorite time of year. I loved the colors, the smells and the briskness in the air. It was also the month of my birthday. I didn’t mind the fact that I was turning 40 this year. Id come a long way with self-disipline and drive. This year I was celebrating my youthful figure by renewing my membership to my favorite gym, the gym where Id met my assistant Rob. I worked religiously on keeping fit and toned. My ritual was short and sweet, but I did it 6 times a week to keep ahead of the game. Rob and I met one day on the weights, and began to chat about our routines. We soon found that we both had a love for swimming and Rob asked me if I would join him for a couple laps. Before long we became swim partners and swam at the gym every night together. I got to know Rob very well, and at the time we met he had been working for a law firm downtown and was unhappy with his position. I immediately offered him the job as my assistant when he told me he had been preparing his resume in hopes of leaving. At first Rob was a bit gun shy about the whole thing. He didn’t want to appear needy or looked down upon as that was the issue with his superiors at the law firm. I assured him that I would treat him no less than my equal and that with time he would understand that our partnership would be nothing but professional and a sedgeway to phenomenal future job opportunites. He accepted happily and worked hard at everything he did. I appreciated his knack for detail and how he was conscious of my needs. He and I worked together and swam together up until the past few months when my focus had to be placed on my upcoming interview with Ms. Ray. I felt bad for neglecting myself and Rob, but it was something that had to be done, for the both of us.
I finally reached the Bistro and took a quick check in the mirror and grabbed my laptop and entered the cozy brick building. Once inside, the serious host who had been awaiting my arrival took me to my interview room. It was a private enclave where I would wait for Ms. Ray. The owner of the Bistro came to the table and offered a glass of wine. I gladly accepted and had a sip as the ever-smiling Ms. Ray entered the room. She simply asked for a glass of water and sat down in the chair opposite of me.
Id always admired Ms. Ray for her simple style and friendly manner and today was no different. Right away I stood and shook her hand and welcomed Ms. Ray to my interview. She shushed me from the get-go and told me to call her Rachel. I was delighted and sat down to start the interview…...

During the interview I studied Rachel over. As she was talking I found myself mesmorized by her natural beauty and charm. She also had a wit about her that just drew in a person. The interview took nearly two hours, but I didn’t mind as Rachels charisma overtook me so the time did pass quickly indeed. As we were finishing up the interview Rachel asked me where I was staying and if Id like to come to a small gathering at her hotel suite later that evening. I told her that Id love to that I would need to go to my hotel check in and freshen up a bit. That was fine by her and as she turned to go, she grabbed my arm and said “You can bring along a date if youd like”. Winked, and left with a swish of her long brown hair. I called after her “See you at 9ish!”
I was so excited. Ms. Ray had asked me, ME to come to a small gathering! As I walked to my rental I dialed Rob on my cell. I had asked him earlier to meet me in Chicago to help with the last bit of notes regarding the Ray interview and then fly with me on to my next consultation with Paula Deen in Atlanta later in the week. His cell was off. He must have been still in flight. I left a voice message for him to meet me at the hotel as soon as he got in. “No dallying!” I said, “and be prepared, we are going to Rachels hotel suite for a gathering around 9ish, call me when you get in.” I arrived at my hotel around 4:30 and decided to take a jaccuzzi until Rob called. I was drained. Preparation for this interview had taken its toll on me. I had been working long hours and not eating as much as I should have. My mother and I had spoke about my drive and she had warned me that Id either end up sick or dead if I didn’t watch out for myself in that manner. I couldn’t help it though, Rachel Ray was my obsession and this interview meant a lot to my career and myself. The water was rolling and I was dozing. As I drifted off I thought about how sweet it was that Rob had ordered fresh cut lilies for my room and ordered room service upon my arrival. I had fresh strawberries and champagne awaiting me and I partook of these delights before entering the heavenly bubbles of the jaccuzi. What a wonderful treat.
I was awakened by the alarm of my cell ringing loudly at my bedside. I robed myself and went to see who had called, there was a voice mail from Rob letting me know he safely arrived and was taking a shower and would meet me at my room in about a half hour. I pulled the towel off my head and brushed out my long blonde hair, tonight Id wear it up. I then decided on a simple black dress to wear. I applied very little makeup and a diamond tennis bracelet that Rob had given me as a Boss’s Day gift last year. I heard Rob knocking at my room door and shouted for him to let himself in. He entered wearing a nice pair of black slacks and a royal blue silk shirt. He greeted me with his usual peck on the cheek and small hug. I could smell him across the room and it made me want to melt. I asked Rob if he wanted to ride with me and he said sure, that he’d even drive. Off we went into the night to find Rachels hotel for the gathering of a lifetime…

We got to the hotel just as it started storming. Rob held the door for me and I ran inside. The hotel was beautiful, much more uptown even than mine. We were ushered upstairs to a whimsical setting and a small gathering of people I did not know. Rachel spotted me right away and called for me to come meet her husband. I introduced Rob and the niceties were flying. As the night grew on the wine and food rolled, it was an awesome setting and I could have spent the entire night talking with Rachel. At one point Rob came to me and asked to leave that he wasn’t feeling well. I hushed him and told him to drink some seltzer water and let me have my fun. He did as I asked and without complaint. I finished my visit with Rachel and a few of her guests and then motioned for Rob to come say goodbye. He kissed Rachel on the cheek told her thank you and grabbed my arm and led me out of the hotel. I had had too much to drink and was feeling a bit woozy, so Rob drove us back to the hotel. Once we were there Rob helped me undress and get me into bed. For a slight second I wished that I hadn’t been so messed up that he may lay down in my bed with me, but the thought didn’t last long and I was out like a light...

The next morning I call Rob and ask him if he wants to return the rental and he told me that he was still not feeling well so he would just take a taxi to the airport and meet me there before our departure to Atlanta. I got myself packed and headed out. The Chicago morning traffic was hell but I forged on. I was worried about Rob, I was worried that he wouldn’t make it on time and worried about his general well being. My unfocused attention was soon trampled when I heard thumping coming from the Cadillac rental. I thought to myself “oh shit, what now?” I pulled over in a parking garage to check things out. “Fuck me, fuck me!!! What in the sam hell is going on, I hope to hell there isn’t a flat!” I went to the other side of the car checking all the tires a second time. No flats… hmm where was the thumping coming from??? I hear it again. I jump back. I hear more thumping coming from the trunk, this time in a more frantic rumble. I ran to get the keys and unlock the trunk unaware of any danger I may be in. I was shaking ...dammit!!! I dropped the keys, reached to grab them and unlocked the trunk. As it popped open, my breathe was taken from me. I saw black and was being carried to the front of the car. I awaked to Rob standing over me his finger to his lips cautioning me to be quiet. I screamed and he quickly threw his hand over my mouth. He warned me with a look Id never seen from this gentle man. He whispered into my ear, "follow me and dont say a word or it will all be over". I followed, shaking, now I was really scared, I didnt want to see what was in the trunk. He shoved me towards the trunk. I peered in and in horror saw something I will never forget and only will see again and again in my nightmares. It was a gruesomely beaten woman. She was bound, gagged and bleeding. I screamed a gutteral scream that scattered Robs thoughts and caused him to slam the trunk shut. I started to run, I needed to get help now I thought. Rob stuck his leg out and tripped me. I fell to the ground hard. He stood over me his foot on my chest. His finger again to his lips. He pulled me up with a jerk and whispered again into my ear, "you made me do this you bitch" "you made me hurt her". With fear and tears falling I mumbled through his fingers. It was no use, he was way stronger than I and obviously thought this scenerio out. He yanked my hair head first into the back seat of the Cadillac. He held me down and pulled duct tape from out from under the passenger seat. He covered my mouth and taped my hands and feet together. I squirmed and screamed but nothing helped. The whole while he never said anything just gave me that same stoned look. He got into the drivers seat and drove away. I could still hear thumping coming from the trunk and inside I was throwing up, the tape holding it back forcing me to swallow. I was crying and stamping my feet for help. Nothing but darkness as he drove into a tunnelled underpass. He pulled the car over, went to the back and lifted the trunk...

From this point on I remember nothing. I awoke two weeks later, no memory only a newspaper article taped to my bureau drawer; the headlines read "Rachel Ray famed chef and TV show host pulled from Chicago River....

Its all Elementary Dear~

When asked to reveal the good and bad of my elementary years its not too hard to come up with. My favorite and worst times of elementary all centered around my best friend Kerrie. I will never forget the moment in 3rd grade when the principal Mr. Sheer brought Kerrie to my class, she was new. He looked at me and said, "Angela, This is Kerrie, you and she are going to be best friends forever." I remember what she was wearing and what she looked like so clearly. Mr. Sheer was right. We were insepretable all throughout our elementary years. We did everything together, dressed alike, switched boyfriends often and stayed over with one another all the time. In 8th grade I did stats for the highschool basketball team and was away one night at a game. I came home late and my Dad told me to be real quiet when I went to my room that Kerrie was in there asleep. I said what??? whyy??? He said that her Grandpa had tried to kill her and that her sisters boyfriend had brought her to our house for safety. I ran to my room and she just sat up and bed and cried and I held her all night. The next day she went with her father to get her stuff I guess. I was at school and my name was called over the loud speaker to go to my teachers desk... I was in English class, she told me to go to the outside door and she had a sad look on her face. I went to the outside door and there was Kerrie with her dad, she was there to tell me goodbye. She left that day and I remember looking out the window seeing her leave and crying and my English teacher comforting me. Kerrie moved about 6 hours away and came back for my 8th graduation... I didnt see her again until my senior graduation. Then we seperated until I was 23 or so, we happened to meet in the mall one day, each of us looking at the others children and commenting.. it was a pretty cool reunion. We then continued to be close and best friends until September of 2004. Thats my story, the good and the bad...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

My Favorite~

About a year and a half ago when I had my son... a friend of mines mother brought a gift for me and the baby. The gift for the baby was a hand made blanket. The gift for me was something I never dreamed would become an addiction moreso than a hobby. heheee. She brought me a cd with graphics, stickers, an album and tons of cardstock and die cuts. My very first project was to finish what she had started which was a baby album for my son. Since then I have dabbled in it and didnt get a lot done but organizing and buying supplies... Then through the magic of MySpace met Jen Jen and she invited me to her group, where I met tons of wonderful girlies... Now Im totally wrapped up with them and doing much better with my skills... at least I think so... I was asked to share my favorite layout that Ive done and why.. Well here it is~
I love this layout because I dreamed about it... the colors, the emellishments and the photo is one of the best NON-posed photos Ive ever taken. It is that of my son Hunter... he truely is a barrel of laughs. I love this layout so much that Im actually thinking about framing it... and doing the same thing with my other boys pictures. ;o)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Vacation Paradise~

<~~~~~~~~~This is my dreamy vacation paradise... I want to go to Riviera Maya sooo bad. Ive checked into it and Im saving my pennies... Its not real expensive and everything is all inclusive. I want to visit the Mayan ruins and shop and lay on the beach with no worries in the world. If you dont know where Riviera Maya is... Its south of Cancun in Mexico. I dont know what else to say about it other than Todd and I have never been to a beach and if I get to experience that ever... I want it to be here with him.... alone!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams~

I spend 99.9% of my time wishing and hoping and dreaming... and every night before I go to bed I voice them outloud for the good Lord to hear as if he didnt already know what I was going to say hahaa. I used to always wish/hope/dream for happiness, but finally have found it in my boys, my husband and myself... somehow things just all fell into these are my wishes, hopes and dreams~ I hope everyday that my boys will live a happy, healthy and safe life. That is what is most important to me, that and that I hope I didnt screw them up too much! LOL Anyway, I am pretty simple when wishing and hoping... I wish for financial security, I want to be one of those folks who has a savings account, an account for my kids college funds and life insurance.. but so far that hasnt happened in my life and Im damned near 40. If Id only known when I was younger what I know now... maybe things would have been different or maybe theyd be the same since Im so bull headed! I dream that someday Todd and I can fullfill our 10 year plan {which by the way was halted May 20, 2004 when I found out I was preggo with Hunter}which was to pay off all our debts within 10 years and buy a travel RV and travel the US. I think that would be just too cool... Think of all the places I could scrapbook hahaha!
As far as frivilous wishes/hopes/dreams... I wish I could actually buy a tanning package and find the time to get my ass there, to get my nails done regularly and go to a crop and meet some girls from my area... and the one I wish most is to move back to my home town and live in the country.. I never knew I could miss a hometown so much! Its in my goals as is the tanning and nails thing... I just wonder how patient I am at waiting the last out!