Tonight I look in the mirror and as challenging as it is... I see me and Im tired of avoiding writing this blog, when it was my idea to begin with... Hang on ladies and gentlemen here it goes~
Im tired and way too old for my age. My body aches and I think I may be getting a few wrinkles...which scare the hell out of me. I have no grey hair..YAY, but who cares right??, I mean whatever is thrown at me I will handle. Now will I handle it with dignity and grace?? probably not, because in MY life I never have.
I look into the mirror and see my past, my present and my future.
I see the things I learned of myself in the past. Im a failure. Im guilty. Im unworthy. Im cute. Im irrisistable even to grown men. Im disgusting. Im a tease. Im lost. Im a slut. Im a friend who has no friends. Im a mom. Im a general mess.
I see the things that I am now. Im happy. Im content. Im forgiving of myself and moving away from my past. Im a wonderful mom. Im loved, really loved. Im strong. Im hating my body. Im loving my curves and hair. Im sure of my future. Im in love. Im finally living life as I should without fear of being a huge failure.
The things I see in the future. Im dignified. Im grandma. Im still happy and content. Im no longer afraid to die.
I look into the mirror and see someone who is wondering if maybe Im lying to myself and those around me. Why?... because I have friends* from my past that refuse to believe that I have actually made it this far and that I have clarity and contentment in my life now. It is then that I decide to say FUCK THEM, they are the ones who made me crazy to begin with...and I wonder why it is that they challenge me and my emotions. Was I really that fragile? Did I have so little integrity that it should be questioned and challenged even now, when I show outward happiness and true strength? Its those friends* that I thought were close to me that used, abused and made me feel as if I didnt mean shit to them or anyone else and by golly thats what I deserved. Sorry guys and girls Im way over that mind game bullshit. I finally have confidence. I dont have to compress the torturous past and let it seep out around me and draw me back into a cesspool of shit. I can finally let it go and know that deep down inside I am all the better for it... no matter how bad it was. And I know that they didnt help me get here, it was ME... that girl in the mirror over there... All ME!!!