Thursday, April 07, 2005

Im Sorry Baby~

Today is my 1st borns 16th birthday.....
And today, just 2 short years ago I wanted so desperately to leave this world, I was so fucking miserable and low. Im sorry baby...
So I wake this morning, happy and sad... happy that I didnt leave my fucked up life, and sad that I have to tell you that Im sorry baby...
Im sorry baby that you had two parents that were so young and so in love that they were blind and emotions and feelings swept over them and carried them away to places they had never been.
Im sorry baby that you had to grow and watch me cry over the manish losers that were in and out of my life as I was trying to find my way and my heart and my one true love.
Im sorry baby that you had to watch as a young boy me fuck up an excellent friendship because I was so selfish I wanted to have a man all to myself and that rebound loves never work.
Im sorry baby that there were times I was so lonely that I flaunted myself with no respect and basically no brains... again with that you had to see me cry and be hurt beyond belief. So lucky that you didnt lose me at that time as well, as not this time did I want to go on my own, but would be forced out of this world by yet another unwanted male influence.
Im sorry baby that when I did finally find the man of my dreams that I didnt realize it, that I tortured him and you in the process. My unknown mental anguish kept me from enjoying the new little brother that was brought into this world. Then instead of just my life being fucked, you, your brother and another man were left hurting because of me.
Im sorry baby that when you needed me most I wasnt there for you.
Im sorry baby for all the times you wanted to tell me a story and even though I looked at you I was a million miles away.
Im sorry baby that I was so unstable that I almost wrecked any symbolance of motherhood.
Im sorry baby that you will have memories of your childhood that arent so good, and that they are of my doing.
Im sorry baby that I couldnt be there for your first pimple, your voice changing through puberity, your worries over the transferance into highschool, your first highschool baseball game, your first girlfriend or your first drive with your new license.
Im sorry baby that I cannot be there for you in the future although I want you to know that in heart I will be and in mind as well...
You are my son, my first born, my baby and I know deep inside that you forgive me for all of the sorries I have just written. You are a handsome young man, and for all the sorries you have lived through, I feel you are strong of mind, full of hope and dreams. I feel that you have learned from my sorries that you have to have a strong heart as well. There will be hurt and your own sorries to be concerned with in the future, but hopefully you have been given the tools neccessary to think troubles out, not to run from them and solve them without being sorry. Your love and compassion shows brightly through. Your young smart mind and body will take you places not you nor I know of yet. Keep strong baby, live strong baby and go far and most importantly, remember through all of the sorryful moments that have past....that I love you baby... that has never changed. I love you baby and would die for you. I love you baby for the special man that you will become and the little boy you always were. I love you baby Preston.
Always~ your MOM

1 comment:

beckster said...

wow angi. i am so glad i came back into your archives to read. im speechless on this one. i sure how someday preston reads this, if he already hasnt. love ya!