Nightmare~

This nightmare has haunted me all week and thats why / how I came up with the weekend blog challenge...
First some background~ I used to work at a hospital and met a very cool couple{Sharon and Bob} through my office manager... she wanted me to meet them and their daughter{Lynne} and her husband and kids. The daughter and husband were a younger couple and didnt really have anyone to hang out with and at the time I was married and had just the one son... so we did start hanging out. Every other weekend we were at one anothers house and did everything together and then every year on Mothers Day weekend we'd all gather including her{Lynnes} parents and her brother Marc, my office manager and her hubby and my family for a cabin experience and car show. Anyway... we all worked in the healthcare field... Bob and Sharon were Paramedics and worked long hours, often several jobs at the area ambulance districts. Bob and I became friends as I was really into the ER drama and when my husband and I got married Bob had come downstairs to get me to tell me everyone was ready... he was the 1st person to see me in my wedding gown and told me that I was the most beautiful bride... something my own father had never done for me. Fast forward to a couple years later... We were on vacation in South Dakota when I got a call from my mom at our hotel. She told me some horrifying news. Bob had killed himself... I was in shock, I couldnt stop crying, but for the sake of my family I straightened up and called my old office manager and talked to her about the funeral as I was unable to come home and attend. It was a horrible thing, but it would seem that he was under intense pressure at his job and had recently tended to a particularly bad scene. He also had just found out that his wife Sharon had been having an online affair and was planning on leaving him. His daughter, my friend Lynne found him and he also did this act on her birthday... As soon as we came home from vacation Lynne and her family came and stayed with us and I comforted her during a big chunk of her grieving process. Then we grew apart as I got divorced and she and her husband got divorced and we both moved to different cities 3 hours from one another. Last year around this same time, my ex husband called me and told me that he had just found out that Lynnes little brother had now killed himself. I was floored once again. He had just recently gotten married and was recovering from an alcohol and prescription drug addiction and it would seem life was going really well for Marc....then this. I was unable to reach Lynne to tell her how sorry I was for her loss, but via my old office manager was able to get her the message. I havent gotten to speak with her in forever and miss her dearly... Fast forward to one night this past week... I awake in a horrible sweat, bawling.... I had had a dream that I was part of a CSI team/Paramedic team that went to a call... it was Lynne, she had killed herself and I was the one there that was to identify her.... OMG... what a nightmare... but I guess with the whole dream/nightmare experience it has made me want to contact her and get back into touch with her... I miss my friend Lynne and I want her to know just how much I love her.

Random Me~

Some of my favorites~
My favorite song right now on the radio... well Id have to say its just the station that plays all of my favorites... THE NEW HOT 104.1... hip hop is ALIVE! hehee.. I fell in love with Jamie Foxx singing DJ Play this girl a love songggg... I cant even write it without singing it. He is sooo freaking hot too! Id love if a dude sang like that to me. I also have a liking for the new Paris Hilton song... I sing along with it and my son Hunter shakes his booty and tries to sing too... good times!
My favorite movie is.... At Close Range... it stars Sean Penn and Christopher Walken.. Both are some of my favorite actors. This movie is a love story, family drama and even though I dont own it, I rent it at least 2 times a year... I know it word for word.. and bawl my eyes out everytime I watch it!
My favorite thing to eat for supper....I just love grilled anything in the summer with fresh home grown tomatoes, corn on the cob and baked potatos with roasted garlic! If going out I love good authentic Mexican or Italian.

Childhood~

Lets see.... I was in a blissful hell when I was growing up. I came from a upper middle class family... adopted by my mothers 2nd love. I always thought I was loved and spoiled.. Until my adult years I didnt realize that that was all just a bunch of lies. Needless to say... with my *family* my brothers are my only memory that doesnt cause heaps of emotion that would make me want to off myself on a daily basis. My cousins as well. We were usually grouped with them while our moms watched Guiding Light and drank sweet tea. We didnt mind... we explored everything from animal life to sex. Some I admit embarrasses me now, but I understand that most kids explore that way and there is nothing to be shameful of.
My favorite memories though were spent during weekends at my grandma and grandpas... I LOVED EVERY MINUTE THERE!!! My grandma worked for Cheseborough Ponds {she ran the Qtip machine} for 32 years. And even though she would work long hours in hot factory, she'd always have me on the weekends, sometimes my cousin Michelle would accompany me too.... my favorite memories are of the times that grandma would get up and fix me pancakes... she'd always ask the night before what Id want and Id always say pancakes...hahaa Then we would go into Jefferson City {Missouri's capital city} and Id feel like a millionairess! hahaa She took me to fancy dress shops, shoe and bag shops, the 5 and Dime and let me buy candy cigarettes. Then she would buy me coloring books and children books... take me to McDonalds for lunch. When we got home she would get out the old oval galvanized tub and fill it with water and Id go SWIMMING! hahaa.. the evening would always end with us having dinner which included some sort of roast, fresh veggies from the garden and corn on the cob. I would then climb into my grandpas lap and she would fix us both huge chocolate shakes... I could eat more than grandpa and they would just laugh. Grandpa and I would sit there and listen to the Cardinals baseball game on the radio, but watch it on tv with the sound mute. During commercials my grandpa would play a game called *Foreknocker, Eye Winker, Tom Tinker, Nose Smeller, Mouth Eater and Chin Chopper* as he was poking the appropriate parts of my face and at the end he would say google google google and Id die laughing and beg him to do it again. My favorite weekends to spend with them were the long Labor Day weekend when I would stay up the entire time, have popcorn with grandma and watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon. My grandpa passed away when I was in highschool, it was the first serious close death I had ever endured... and almost the most painful. I continued to be very close to my grandma up until about 3 years ago when she started declining mentally and my aunt put her in an assisted living facility... and most recently a nursing home. I miss her and take comfort in the things she taught me throughout my favorite times with her, learning to cook, spending quality time with your grandchildren and taking the time to teach them sayings and verses... Looking back... if I had to weigh out the good and the evil of my childhood, these specific memories would probably cross out 90% of the bad and for that Im thankful...

Back into the Swing~

Thanks to some good friends... Im going to get this blog back up and into the swing of things.... Watch out girls and guys... My heart is ready to bleed some more!

Fathers Day~

Happy Fathers Day to my sweetheart Todd....

Stubborn Tear~

From within I start to swell
as water seeps into a well
coming from deep inside
tore from the place I hide
to the edge I start to flow
I must hang on I will not let go
not able to hold on I slip
down the face I make the trip
being helped by others I loose my fear
no longer am I a stubborn tear.

Written by my brother Daniel~11-23-2002

June June June~

Have you ever moved to a place far away from your comfort zone? .... How did you feel?... When you started a new job did it feel like your first day of school all over again?..... Well for me the answer to these questions are: Yes, moved out of state 2 years ago. At the time it felt exciting, liberating and scary. And when I started my new job I did feel like that. I met my co-workers and we worked in the same office with a lady named June.

The day I met her, I said hello, my name is doll~ and she said swiftly....yes I know...and took off to her office. I thought.....well... hows that for shortness. Later that day my supervisor came in and I asked who the lady was that was so short. Why that is JUNE. She has worked in our building for quite some time. She was also the only black woman in the building. Now, this was pointed out to me by my supervisor, not that I either cared or minded.... but around this area the prejudice runs rampant. Another reason I feel/felt so out of place.. She once told me, little do they {the prejudice}know, I was born to a black momma and a white daddy...to hell with these folk as she laughed and shook her head!!
Anyway.... As the months rolled by I got to know June.... She grew up rough, she knew poor and she knew wealth. We were both from the country so we always cackled like old hens talking about sloppin' the hogs, or old family recipes. I got really close with June and considered her my confidant...She also taught me again the healing powers of the almighty GOD. Anytime Id get down, shed say GIRL, pray for strength, get down every morning and thank the Lord for another day and then ask for more strength if you need it. That really really has helped me more than I ever thought.
I quit my job last year, and hadnt seen June in a while. I have seen her though several times in the past month and she is the same ol June...and I have missed her dearly. She is a woman of high intelligence, grace and major class.... She is a good friend, and I hope that she knows just what she means to me even though I have never formerly told her..... Maybe I will copy this and send to her in a card~
June, June.....June

Some Gave All~

Im writing this story in RED today in memory of all the soldiers that have served our country in loo of the upcoming US holiday, Memorial Day.

I didnt really know what to write, as my so-called *creative juices* havent been flowing as of late.. I guess when your mind is filled with nonsense its kind of hard. None the less I am here writing to those faithful enough to check in on me and read what babbles out of my head and into my text...

When I was in school I had gotten so upset at my history teacher...She would teach us always of the ways in Europe, Russia and Greece... I wanted to know about AMERICA!!! ... I wanted to know about the wars, WW1 and WW2 and the Vietnam and Korean wars. I was told by the teacher it was important to learn world history and that as I got older Id learn about those things I had wished on. Bullshit I thought.... its pretty sad that I had to learn about those wars from movies like Saving Private Ryan, Pearl Harbor and Apocalypse Now and the tv show M.A.S.H. anyway.... enough rambling.

Id like to take this opportunity to thank those who have served our country so proudly...putting your life on the line for MY freedom! I pray daily that the war ends soon and that our soldiers are home safe. I pray for your families and that when back home that your future mind will be at ease knowing that your country supported you.

MIA~

Well arent I just the MIA doll??? ... Sometimes I wonder why I write in this blog, does anyone read it? Does anyone really care?? hmmmm...no one comments, so what am I to think... ;)
anyway....
Tonight Im thinking of that song Nothing Else Matters~Metallica... gosh I love them... I remember the first time I picked up their album~yes album!!! it was vinyl hahaa.. and I thought to myself, these dudes look seriously disturbed. HAHA...
well well well sooo much time has passed and I have grown up too, and now I know the rest of the story.... We are ALL seriously disturbed....laffz...But isnt it nice to have the right to speak our minds, to free our minds from the fog that looms in the recess of our brains? Lately I have been questioned on some of my beliefs. Ive had to really sit down and think about things, how I word my thoughts when either speaking my feelings or writing them down. It takes some soul searching...but I have found its really good for me, it keeps my mind exercised and when I communicate my feelings and thoughts and get respect for those things Ive expressed.....well it is the most wonderful feeling!! I can now look back at these challenges not as attacks but as an outlet to the inner ME! :)

You Said~

I wanted to be special
and I liked it I know.
I really must of liked it,
because you told me so

I know you really loved me,
because you said that too.
and cause youre my dad
I guess it must be true

You said Im a big girl now
you said I mustnt cry.
So even though it hurt me,
I promised I would try.

You said that I enjoyed it.
You told me not to tell.
An adult always knows best.
My mother taught me well.

But can I ask one question?
and please do not get mad.
If its meant to be like this,
Why do I feel so bad?

written by D.G. June 04~edited by Me to fit My situation~Thank you smiley!

Hearts Play~

The heart was played again tonight
a song so sads no words were bright
lyrics and rhythms offbeat, out of rhyme

The heart was played again tonight
no harmony, no dueling banjo fight
notes and lines, its only a matter of time

Her heart was played again tonight
tears crashing down her cheek and gown
a man she adored just disappeared

Her heart was played again tonight
voiceless memories often reappear
and all she feels is the same lonely fear

His heart was played again tonight
scared and running is all he wants
to escape the mind of its whispering thoughts

His heart was played again tonight
the heat came rushing uncontrolled
too much for him to fight and so he chose flight

Sadly though...

Again tomorrow the heart will play
and here we'll be, again in the game
unknowing, willing and yet innocent to it
God only knows... the heart will be played again tonight...

editors note: Written by me 2002~

Chris Gaines~

This weekend I dug out this old cd Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines... I absolutely love it. I wish that there wasnt such a big deal made about it when it came out. I think if people were true fans of Garth Brooks they wouldve bought the cd and not complained one bit. It shows his range and talent. Almost every song takes me back to when I first got a computer. I listened to the cd over and over as I explored the internet.... and in my exploration I met a fella from Austria, his name was Christian... A very handsome and intelligent younger man. He taught me a lot about his culture and we became good friends via the net. It seemed everytime that we spoke through messenger Id be listening to this cd as well. We wrote each other via US mail too and even spoke several times on the phone., but as time passed and life changed... I lost track of Christian in the past few years. Then about 2 months ago he contacted me and told me that he had a baby boy...still wasnt married {shame, good catch there!}, that he wondered about me often and how I was... I told him the news of my baby boy as well...I still miss him...and will always wish him well....
Back to the cd.... Its no wonder as I sit here listening to this cd that I think about how awesome of a talent Garth Brooks is and how sad and yet happy for him that he has since retired...,I also think of Christian, the internet and raise my glass of wine to all of you! ....Great cd, great memories...

skareds poem~

My gothic ways I feel I must feed
Perched amid a virgin window sill

The thirst for your soul overwhelms
My everlasting darkening days I feel

Stench from beneath relieving my senses
A desolate tomb awaits my return

To rest with the skulls and bones
And souls Ive devoured and raped alone

As I lay here and reminisce of those Ive tortured
And from which ripped flesh I have pleasured upon

The satisfactions incomplete like my heart
Rotten and decaying it no longer beats

Evil dark blankets my soiled clothes of deep
From which I withdraw into beneath

I cannot breathe or eat or sleep
The pain inside is too intense and too steep

Passing through the nights of time
A glimmer of doom is all thats in mind

Never ending, there is no remorseful feeling
Just death and gloom in its eternal ending

editors note: Written by me 2002~ *some editing done at this time!

Sexual Obsessions~

What the fuck is up?????........Why must men and some women message me verbosely. They do it in a seemingly non-nonchalant fashion. Dancing around real subjects, they serve up themselves with sexual innuendos, thinking that Im too stupid to figure out their plight. It always starts out the same *You are so pretty!, How can you be so beautiful and have children?, Wow!, Nice tattoos!, Wanna Chat?* and those are just a few. I decided not to include the downright rude ones....But if you know anything about the internet and are a woman, you know exactly what I mean. I have been on the net for 5 years.... And I can tell you with almost complete certainty that 95% of the men that message me have only one agenda {some sort of sexual favor to ask of me}. Do they care if Im married or not, NO... Even if I reply to them and tell them that Im married, I still get the *What do you want?, What are you looking for?*.....What the fuck do you think Im looking for??? Whatever you are thinking you are wrong!!!! Its not YOU. I dont want to talk to you, I dont want you buzzing me, I dont want anything extra-marital and no I dont want to see your cock!!! Lately Im thinking that it is this blog that has attracted an onslot of perverts trying to get to me and my personal life...Well what the freaks dont understand is that the comment box at the bottom of each story is for comments, no where here does it state that Id like you to message me and try to convince me that your dick is bigger or better than anyone elses. My blog is about me some is fact and some is fiction, so... If I write about sex, sexual experiences or sexual fantasies.... It doesnt mean that I want them with you!!! ....In turn, If you are wanting me to *beg* you for some sick reason.... you got it, Im begging...Please dont message me and if you have comments about my blog, post in the comments section. Otherwise if you do message me with alterior motives, be prepared to just be put on ignore automatically. This believe it or not is MY blog.....And I have the right to write, think and post about anything that I want.....!!!

The Manifestation~

Today I watched the Oprah show and there was a segment about cutters*. Oprah stated that she thought that children that have been abused, in some form manifest the pain in certain ways during their life...or this is what I understood her to say. Anyway...I just wondered, if one out of every 4 of us is abused as a child...In what way do you/I manifest our pain???

I have decided that I probably manifested the pain through over-eating.... I'll tell you why, this is my theory only.... for me.... I was constantly told by my abuser how much better I was than those he'd been with, he built me up and made me at that awkward age feel like a princess, when in reality I had no idea what he was really doing~setting me up for a life of lies. I later in my adulthood came to realize that I was eating and eating...no I wasnt hiding the pain and guilt. I was making myself UNDESIRABLE!!! ...the fatter I got the further away he stayed, pained he was to even look at me and if he did it was with disgust. And, you know what, I didnt care, I just wanted him away. Didnt realize that it was HIM that was fucked up, not me....and that I dont need to do that...but still I remain gutless in my attempt to lose weight. I think maybe that its still that protective padding that keeps me from letting anyone really in, really loving me......after all, he loved me......and he hurt me for LIFE!

Jealousy~

Did you ever find yourself seething up to your eyeballs in jealous feelings?......
I have the most incredible green eyes, if I may say so myself.....heh its MY blog after all... ;) ....anyway
Ive been thinking about that........does that have something to do with being jealous.... the seed of jealousy planted deep within my emerald green eyes?..... hmmm something to think on and ponder!
Ive found myself jealous over the stupidest and most pathetic things....and then I come back down to reality and say fuck that !!!!!! But in the midst of the green monster taking over my thoughts and sometimes words or perhaps even my actions, that my personality just takes on a whole new genre. Its scary to think that ones mind can be so freakin twisted and bent over something so ridiculous. I think possibly that its just plain stupid ass nature playing tricks on us! Hell why not?.... Nature is constantly playing and fucking with our lives.... so why not our minds and our feelings?.... Im going to try really hard to keep my green eyes where they belong and keep the jealousy demons at bay... It may not be easy...... Im a soul that loves to flirt and we all know that that leads to uncontrolled emotions, run away thoughts and train wreck scenerios.......watch out Jealousy~here I come again!

Sad Loss~

Today I was given some sad news.... A very sweet woman passed away sudden, yet peacefully. This woman in her life meant so much to all those she came into contact with.... I'll miss her very much.... I cannot imagine what her family must be feeling....Such a definite loss. This lady was a strong, humorous woman who was my mother when my mother was unavailable... She treated me like a daughter, respected me and helped me through one of the toughest times of my life. I moved away and was unable to ever really tell her how I felt about her and there was a lot left unsaid. I guess its true... live every day like its your last.... you never know if you will get the chance to do the things or say the things you need to. I will tonight in my prayers talk to her..... I'll tell her everything that wasnt said......and I hope that while she is checking in as God's new flower for his beautiful garden, that she hears me and understands that Im sorry I didnt show her or say it sooner. I loved her...... she was a wonderful woman.....Goodbye Dorothy....you'll live on forever in my heart and memory!

The Rain~

Tonight I spoke with a friend and asked what they thought I should write about.... He said how I like the patter of the raindrops. ... and it got me to thinking.....{I know dangerous}
I got to thinking that I love the song Like the Rain by Clint Black...... I never really thought much about it until one day I sat down and really listened to the lyrics. It all makes perfect sense.....*I never liked rain...... Until I walked thru it with you*... thinking along those lines.... there is so much that we in life dont *like*, until we experience them with someone special. I myself am one of those people. I dont *like* being alone, not on any type of regular basis anyway. Sharing my thoughts, dreams, desires, needs......and the occasional dislikes of the world mean so much more to a me when I dont have to experience them alone....The rain is one of my dislikes.... it takes me back to when I was a child, the summer storms would blow in bringing with them lightning and frightful thunderous roars. Id try to hide from the flashes and bangs to no avail.....My mother would try to comfort me and hide the window with many a quilt. Id close my eyes and still see the flashes of crashing light. I was so scared..... and then.........alone...... I found myself alone in the room, dark with only the sights and sound of the rain....... Oh God how I hated every moment of the rain! .... Id calm myself only to have another frightening reminder that the storm wasnt near over with... and back into hysterics I fell. My father would come rushing into the room...... and instead of scooping me into his arms...... would remove his wicked leather belt and commence to beating me until I was too weak to care .....to weak to cry.... and too weak to experience the rain......
That was long ago and now even when the rain comes and the patter of the rain drops fall.... I think of that song and how it would have been nice to have someone to walk thru it with....
I never liked the rain until then......

Stealing Love~

Last night I awaken from a dream...

It started out so good.... I had met the man of my dreams. He was strong, handsome, intelligent and distinguished. He was neat and independently wealthy. He drove a fine car and had a beautiful home in a well to do neighborhood. He was modest in his material worth, but was slick as a cue ball. He was a saavy businessman and a wonderful lover. How he took on me I'll never know.. He always told me I was his little china doll...He held me high upon a pedestal and treated me like an Eygptian Queen. There was never a want or need with this man and even though we were scorned by several for our diffences in race, he never let that bother him and warned me to let it go. He hated to see anger, hatred and worry bring anyone down and especially me. I felt incredibly lucky...until...
One night my lover came home from an obvious draining day... He was wearing a cream colored linen suit. The contrast of his dark soft skin under the linen with his gold watch glistening, made me do a double take as he walked in and dropped his briefcase on the bar. I stood to greet him and he took my hand without a word and led me to our master bedroom that overlooked the waves of the Pacific ocean. He had made sure that we had the most luxurious king size bed and only the best Satin bedding. Still without a word he undressed me carefully placing my silk dress to the side upon my mahogany dressing chair. I stood there awaiting his next touch. I watch as he unbuttoned his dress shirt and slipped off his trousers. He again carefully placed them at the end of the bed. Walking towards me his tight muscular body reminded me of a panther stalking his prey. His eyes never diverted from mine. He arrived next to me and placed his hands upon my breasts.... cupping them, he slowly kissed my lips softly down past my chin and along my neck, further down to my waiting chest...This love scene was one that I was accustomed to, only this evening he never said a single word, just directed me with his motions. I was always happy to serve him as he was always sweet, patient and caring when it came to his sexual prowess. I was so absorbed in his kisses that when he bent me back onto the satiny comforter I hadnt realized that he had tiny bubbles of moisture on his forehead. I looked up to him and with a question in my eyes, he just shook his head no. I closed my eyes as he continued his journey down my stomach, kissing every inch gently. Lost in his touch, yearning for so much more... I let him take me in ways that only some women dream of. He was methodic in his loving movements. Still he said nothing... no moans of pleasure escaped his full lips. As he moved in and out of me I wanted so badly to ask what if anything was wrong.... what could I do for my Master??? He moves fast and hard into me his pressure bringing him and I to a simultaneous orgasm. He slid off of me and disappeared into the bathroom. He soon returned wiping the sweat from his forehead and climbing into the bed next to me.... Wrapping his arms around me and inhaling deeply the scent of my vanilla hair...he sighed outloud.... and with a jerk I turned to him, no longer able to hold it in.. asking what was going on....His eyes now tearful as he looked at me. I was reeling inside...scared....what had happened? What on earth was he thinking? As I lay there looking at him he reaches with his hand and opens the nightstand table and pulls from it a stainless steel blade... razor sharp I remember when he brought the set home. He thought it would be a turn on to have me shave him with the blade....and many times I had stood over him in my naked bliss, sliding the blade over his skin til smooth....his chiseled face, jaw line and carefully over his round head....he even trusted me a few times in skillfully shaving his most private area. We had always ended up in a heated love making session after the shave. When he pulled the blade out I had no idea what was coming next..after all I had just shaved him the previous night, cleaned the blade after our sex session and placed it back into his drawer. The motion he made was fast and surprising when he took the blade with one smooth slice through the summer air, he pressed it directly against my neck....Thinking that master had a new plan or idea for another session, I smiled. A fantasy such as this was always unexpected but pleasurable in the end. All of the sudden the look on his face jerked me back to reality. It was that sad look again....almost a fearful look in his chocolate eyes. He whispered slowly in his deep distinct voice for me to stroke his cock... I did as he said while the blade still cold against my throat made my nipples erect with excitement. I dont know if it was the fear or what it was that had me within its grip. Being a man of color his member was quite long in length and thick in girth... I loved sucking and licking his rod as often as he'd let me...and he loved the in and out of black on white from behind. His cock filled me up like no other and he knew his limits and held himself until I was completely satisfied everytime. As I stroked his massive cock he pushed the blade more taunt against my skin, I took this to mean that he wanted me to put a firmer grip around him and stroke faster and I did just that. His head thrown back now he was actually letting out tiny moans....As the head of his dick started throbbing he sat up taking the blade away from my neck....he took my stroking hand into his and worked my fingers up and down his throbbing member helping me to get him to where he wanted to be. Just as his head started swelling as if the climax was near, he pulled away and pushed me to the side. He rose to his knees as I lie next to him and he finished off his climax spackling my firm breasts with his love juice... As he milks his dark cock he takes the blade and swiftly lifts it above me..... With a quick jerky movement he swiped the blade across my milky abdomen.....blood quickly seeping and before I knew what had happened he had sliced away at me again..this time catching my supple breasts with his slashing movements. I scream to him........whattttttt what are you doing!!!!! He never says a word, just slices away at his china doll......tears streaming down his face..... I am hurting so bad I cannot move....scared that if I do even in this pain that he will slash my throat in his massive bloody strokes. He has managed to slice across my skin about 5 times before he heard me pleading for mercy...He stopped all the sudden with a jerk and licks the blade clean..... I lay perfectly still, frozen with fear and intense pain....and surprise...bewilderment.......ultimate shock. He jumps up.....runs to the bathroom and returns with another white towel.... he sops up the bloody mess......and lays over my body weeping.....I try to sit up... near unconsciousness, weak from the loss of blood....he moved off to the side, dabbing my skin with the towel.... Sobbing he stands over me completely nude saying how sorry he is that he had hurt me and that he needs something from me. With tears I ask what Master, what else could you possibly want from me....He cries out... You whore...you took my trust and crumpled it up and threw it on the floor...I have no idea what you are talking about I say through streams of tears. He goes on to tell me that his personal assistant had asked to meet him for lunch so they could discuss the business, and proceeded to present so-called evidence against me that I had been unfaithful to him... and that he was crushed. And had he had the strength and courage he would have been enraged enough to finish me off with the lovely blade that had been an intimate object of affection between us. Crying and bleeding I say to him, Id never be unfaithful to such a master... and with that passed out from shock. I awakened alone, bruised and bandaged wondering what the hell....and where was my man??? I try to get up but the sting of the wounds throw me back to my pillow. He must of heard the commotion as he ran into the room with now a look of panic on his face. He asks if I am comfortable, if I need or would drink some water. I take a glass that he has produced from the bathroom....Slowly sipping and looking, carefully watching his every move..... he kneels next to me on the floor looking up to me.... He asks, with a serious tone...baby, did you do it? did you abuse my trust,our love?? No,no..never, I plead as I feel the tears burning down my face. He breaks into a muffled sob as he lays his face into my stomach covered with soaked and half blood stained towels. He raises to kiss me once again.... I meet him halfway and hold his face in my hands....baby baby, never will I abuse your trust. I think that someone was trying to steal our love away..... he nodded and crawled in next to me holding me close to his strong body, our hearts pounding in rhythm......into eternity....

Heart pounding and with a sweat drenched pillow I now lie awake in my lonely bed....so real this dream... unable to untangle the theories of whether Id just had a nightmare or erotic dream, I drift back to slumber...

Obsessed~

You are my Obsession...
A confusing twist of fate
My every want and need
an everlasting feeling of compassion lost...

You use and use and consume and consume
every last part of me
You are my Obsession...
I shall not want

We were soulmates once, now adrift
in hellish air...
Passion is now just a laugh...

editors note: Written by me 2002~